


Suicide & Other Things

by yaekkunsenpai



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Daddy Issues, Doubt, Dysfunctional Family, Family Issues, Gen, Homophobia, Kenma Needs A Hug, Kozume Kenma-centric, M/M, Mommy Issues, No Dialogue, Past Sexual Abuse, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Unreliable Narrator, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:41:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29460708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yaekkunsenpai/pseuds/yaekkunsenpai
Summary: projecting onto kenma. sorry.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	Suicide & Other Things

**Author's Note:**

> this one has some same events/memories as the ones in my Lonely fic with Wakatoshi, so please don't mind the similarities.
> 
> tw: descriptions of suicide/suicidal thoughts, self-harm, mild descriptions of violence, abuse, implied domestic violence, sexual abuse, incest (cousin), homophobia, degrading thoughts\ please do heed these warnings

Kozume sleeps with his back to the wall, because he’s afraid a monster will pop up behind and eat him if he faces the other way. He fails to sleep because he’s afraid of the edge of his bed, afraid something will be there. He can never keep his eyes closed.

When he closes his eyes, creatures will show up, tormenting him. A creature with a pale, almost grey face with empty eye sockets and nothing else. A man with a fucked up face watching him.

When he wakes, after spending hours falling asleep, he has to deal with that feeling of never wanting to get up. He lays in bed, unable to move, dread digging deep in his chest. 

Thoughts plague his mind.

Suicide. He thinks about it in detail, wondering which of the ways are easier.

He thinks of sitting at the bottom of the ocean, surrounded by pretty fish and coral reefs. He imagines the bubbles surrounding him as he drowns. But, that’s too scary. He’s afraid of the ocean, afraid that a sea monster will come out of the deep trenches and eat him.

He thinks of jumping off a building, the tallest. He imagines standing on the edge, strong wind blowing through his hair. Imagine seeing the city people and cars looking as if they were ants. But, then he remembers he’s severely afraid of heights, he wouldn't make it past the door.

He thinks of hanging himself, where his family will find him and feel intense _regret_. He knows it’s cruel. He imagines choking, his legs kicking and his hands frantically trying to save him. He mostly imagines this for fun.

Drinking chemicals is something he’s only thought about a couple times. It seems like such an unpleasant thing to go through when he imagines it.

What if he cuts his wrists? He has once, but only cuts his thighs because he doesn’t want others to see them. What if he cuts his wrists so deep, the bleeding won’t stop. The blood flows onto the floor, and stains his clothes and skin. He lays there lifeless as blood pools around him.

He often thinks of stabbing himself when he washes the knives. He thinks of holding the handle and pushing it into his abdomen or chest, the blood would spurt everywhere. Covering the sink and kitchen in his blood as his family screams in horror.

Fire. Pouring gasoline on himself and lighting a match and letting it glow until it reaches his fingertips. Then, his body will light on fire. Imagining the pure hot fire on himself is agony, no, he decides, this one isn’t it.

The one he deemed as the best and peaceful way, is to overdose on sleeping pills. Taking a pill an hour before the rest. So that when the feeling of sleep finally overcomes him, he’ll die while sleeping. The only way he’ll know he’s dead is when he wakes up in the afterlife.

Although he dreams of dying often, he’s afraid to die by disease or murder. He’s afraid someone will break his window or bust his door down and slit his throat. He’s afraid of laying in a hospital bed and slowly dying, deteriorating. 

Having both mommy and daddy issues is a major problem. He can’t go to his mother because he is convinced she hates him. He can’t go to his father because he is convinced he hates him.

His mother texts him and insults him, telling him he’s lazy, can’t do anything right, makes him feel _useless, worthless, a bad son._ She’d comment on his appearance, his grades, making him want to try harder. _Nothing_ was ever _enough_.

He remembers crying to his father about his mother degrading him and being mean to him, making him feel like she hated him. He did not show remorse, he just kept watching the TV as Kozume cried his heart out next to him.

In response, he told him to get used to it, it was just how his mom _is. God, you’re so sensitive._ Bullshit. Just tell me she hates me, no need to sugarcoat it.

Kozume never told them anything. They didn’t need to hear it if they were just going to push it aside and deem it as unimportant. He didn’t understand why they did so, if they treated his siblings as if they were treasures, something to be protected.

_You’re my baby, my biggest baby, I love you._ Yeah right.

_You all matter to me, no matter what, I will always love you_. Would you say the same thing if you knew everything about me?

_I love you_. I can’t help but think that’s a lie.

_What?_ Nothing.

Kozume walked with his head down, he didn’t like it when someone looked at his face. They would know he was ugly.

Well, back to the suicidal thoughts.

When he thinks about how his family would react at his funeral, it’s hard to imagine them crying. It’s hard to imagine them caring, because why would they? A useless, bratty, ugly, good-for-nothing son whose only good quality is his high grades, isn’t worth their tears.

It gets tiring. Putting a facade on in school, in public, in private, even to himself. He just wants to lay in nothingness and watch the stars. He wants to lay at home, his real home. He doesn’t know where it is yet, or who it is, he just wants to hurry and find it already.

Although he’s said many things about his family, he cares for what they think of him. Holds their opinion in high regards. He tells himself that if he just told them he likes boys, they’ll tell them what they really thought of him. He’ll get it over with.

He knows for a fact that the only thing holding him back from going through with it, is his video games and anime. 

_False._

He would probably kill himself if he ever told them. He imagines saying he’s bisexual in rage, his parents stopping their yelling and staring at him in shock. 

They’ll tell him he’s a monster- He didn’t understand why they had this viewpoint since most people who do, are people who go to church. His parents were religious but hated the church, so why? They never did read the bible, although it doesn’t say anything bad about being liking the same gender.

So _why?_ Why am I a monster, father? Why don’t I deserve to live? Why? That makes me incredibly sad to hear.

_I’m sorry. I love you guys a lot, I do, I really do._ Simple, short, concise. 

Maybe that’s a shitty suicide note. I’ll come up with a better one later.

He has some baggage. Let’s just go through each one quickly.

He’s afraid of his parents leaving. His father once grabbed only his wallet and walked out the door. Kozume cried and cried at the door of his house, his father walking down the street. His father turned back, deciding to stay.

His mother packed her bags and shoved them in the trunk of her car as she fought with Kozume’s father. Kozume sat on the couch, tears flowing down his face. His father asked him and his siblings if they wanted to stay or go. Kozume chose to go, it was a difficult choice, especially for one only seven years old. In the end, they made up after asking Kozume a question.

_Do you want us to stay together?_ His obvious answer was a yes.

His parents often fought. It was one of the reasons he hated yelling and confrontation, he learned it leads to violence.

His father would hit him and his siblings, for something as simple as talking to him in a slightly rude tone. That’s in the past, do not fret about him now. It’s not as bad, he stopped. Although, that didn’t make him any less scary.

His cousin, someone not quite there, would play with him at his grandmother’s house in the country. They would visit and Kozume would play with him, either it be outside in the dirt.

Or downstairs in the basement.

It didn’t click at first. His cousin would tickle, _there,_ when they would have a tickle fight. Even if Kozume was uncomfortable, he didn’t want to be mean, so he beared it. 

He was so very uncomfortable when that happened. His cousin would take him into the basement, where the adults _weren’t_ and do that. It didn’t click for Kozume _why_ they had to go in the basement to play. There was nothing down there, just some stored food and some old rooms no one uses.

He had told his mother and father when he didn’t want to bear it anymore.

They knew, they tried to do something about it, but he’s still out there. Well, he couldn’t be arrested or punished. He was the same age as seven year old Kozume Kenma, only older by a couple months.

What could they do to someone who was so young, yet so sick? He wasn’t old enough to go to jail or be punished for his actions.

He wanted to blame his parents for nothing getting done about it, especially since his behavior only worsened through the years, but he knew it wasn’t their fault. He just hopes his younger relatives will not suffer from the hands of him.

His whole family, his relatives know about what he did and still does. But it’s taboo to speak about it. They’re afraid to do something, because he isn’t all there, they’ll feel like the bad guy if they do.

Kozume woke up again today, wanting to forget that nightmare. He throws on a black hoodie over his uniform and walks to school.

He sits with his head down, looking down at his wooden desk, his phone in hand.

He’s startled out of his thoughts when a boy sits next to him. Ginger hair and brown eyes, he beamed at Kozume.

Kozume felt somehow. He nodded his head in acknowledgement before turning back to his desk with flushed cheeks.

He heard the boy giggle, Kozume flushed even more.

**Author's Note:**

> i realize it changes from third person to first person in some parts, sorry about that.
> 
> i very much realized that i haven't been writing angst lately, so here it is! i did put a little bit of a happy ending where he encounters a boy with orange hair ;) i wouldn't want kenma to suffer all my problems alone
> 
> anyway, onto the more serious stuff, to put it plainly, i feel like shit. i have the stomach flu and a migraine, threw up all the food i ate and my mother decides its a wonderful day to send me one of her loving texts! :)
> 
> my family are really wonderful and loving people, they just have their moments.
> 
> it's way too late for me, so good night and thanks for reading <3 If you want a fluffy, romancey second chapter just let me know, maybe i'll write it.
> 
> I forgot about these, so sorry  
> Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255  
> Self-Harm/Crisis Textline: 741741


End file.
